


I Deserved This

by Friendly_neighborhood_pansexual



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Bruce Banner Needs a Hug, Bruce Has Issues, Character Death, Eating Disorders, Extreme Anger Issues, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, Isolation, Mental Health Issues, Read this for a Bad Time, Sad, Sad Ending, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, This is really sad, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Worse than usual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-26
Updated: 2018-11-26
Packaged: 2019-08-29 14:37:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16745869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Friendly_neighborhood_pansexual/pseuds/Friendly_neighborhood_pansexual
Summary: I apologize in advanced, hal is a masochist so yeah lmfaoLove you hal hope you like it babe





	I Deserved This

Waking up is a struggle. It almost feels like Hulk was sitting on his chest keeping him in place. A constant reminder of what can happen if he gets mad. The people that get hurt. The lives he has taken. The others he hasn't. Yet.

 

“Bruce you didn't take those lives! We know it wasn’t you.”

“Bruce, the Hulk might be apart of you but you can take control. You're the strongest Avenger, not Hulk.”

 

What a load of bullshit. 

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


He finally makes it out of bed with a mere 20 bad thoughts instead of 30. Three cheers for small improvements. 

 

He chucks on a random shirt from the floor and not changing out of his pajama pants he's worn all week. His lab coat smells but no one visits him down in his lab anymore anyway. 

 

“Mr. Banner I was instructed to inform you that the team is eating breakfast on the communal floor and a spot was made for you at the table.” 

 

J.A.R.V.I.S. He’s probably the only thing that doesn't silently judge every action he makes and walks on eggshells around him. 

 

He sighs and waves his hand dismissively in the air like he was trying to tell J to leave. 

 

“Tell them no thanks. I have to look into this bacteria Thor brought back from Asgard.”

 

He walks toward the fridge in the back of his lab and grabs a stack of Petri dishes bringing them to his microscope at his desk. 

 

J.A.R.V.I.S makes a small sound kind of like a sigh and agrees hesitantly. 

 

With the lab finally quiet, Bruce gets to work and once again forgets to eat all day. 

 

At around 8 he steps away from his work exhausted. One difference between him and Tony is he knows when to take a break.

 

Unfortunately, his break isn't going to plan. When he turns out the lights and makes his way to the elevator he runs into Clint when the doors open.

 

“Oh, Brucie! I was on my way here to find you bud. Everyone was coming together for a movie night and we’ve missed seeing you around the tower. Come and join us!” 

 

Bruce sighs and pushes his glasses up to rub at his eyes. He really isn't in the mood to be crammed on a couch with all of the Avengers babying him to high heaven but he learned is he does something with the team once a month they leave him alone.

 

Guess his month was up.

 

“Fine. Let me just get out of my coat and freshen up a bit. I'll meet you up there.” 

 

“Sounds great buddy. See you in a minute.”

  
  


* * *

 

  
  
  


He showed up with his hair still dripping a bit with new pajama pants and a clean shirt with the least amount of chemical burns in it as possible. 

 

Everyone sees him walk in and immediately starts talking softer and not loud and energetic like they have been. 

 

He sighs and brushes it off. They’ve don't it so many times there's no use getting mad over it now.  

 

He sits down in the recliner chair that was far enough from the couch that he can relax but close enough it doesn't seem he's trying to avoid the team. 

 

After everyone makes snacks and passes around blankets they all settle in and the room dims and the gigantic flat screen TV lights up. 

 

“Okay J, start the movie!”

 

The title flashes across the screen and Bruce smiles and gets comfy. He actually likes this horror movie.

 

Then all of a sudden the lights in the room turn back on and the movie was paused. He turns to the others and they're all looking at him nervously and kinda guilty. 

 

“Bruce we are so sorry we didn't know it was a horror movie week. We can change it to something else if you want?”

 

Bruce looks at Steve confused for a moment. He sits up and shakes his head. 

 

“What are you talking about? I don't mind horror. That was actually one of my favorites just turn it back on.”

 

The whole room mumbles and looks uneasy when they keep shifting on the couch. 

 

“Brucie it's fine really. We know when your heart rate goes up it can trigger the big guy. Honestly, we don't mind-” 

 

Tony gets cut off in the middle of his sentence when Bruce lifts up his hand and stares at him with eyes that are burning holes in his head. 

 

He stands and paces in front of the TV before he stops and looks at everyone. 

 

“Are you guys fucking serious? Do you really think that I'm so fucked up in the head, so out of control of myself that I can't even enjoy a scary movie without ‘Hulking Out’?” 

 

His skin is starting to tint green but he doesn't bother calming down. He wants to scare them, maybe they’ll leave him alone for the next few months.

 

“W-well we didn't know what could uh, set you off. We were just trying to be careful…”

 

Bruce just glares harder before growls and throws his hands up in the air. 

 

“You guys are so ignorant! I can control myself. I am not a special case! You all talk to me as if I'm gonna break. You treat me like a little kid!”

 

He starts to hyperventilate and clench his hands. He knows he's about to have a panic attack so he tries to rush to the elevator and go back to his room to calm down but Steve, Bucky, and Thor rush over and hold him still. 

 

“Hey, Bruce calm down. Just take deep breaths. You’re okay, just relax.”

 

“I told you bringing up here was a bad idea. We should’ve created that Hulk Bunker years ago, Tony.” 

 

“Who’s idea was it for horror movie night? You triggered Bruce now we have to-” 

 

Everyone stopped talking when there was a loud roar and saw Steve get thrown into the wall, the drywall crumbling around him. His head is bleeding and he's blinking slowly. 

 

All heads turn to the angry Hulk that's staring everyone down and breathing heavily. 

 

Before anyone can do anything he jumps out the large window facing the city and falls below into a crowd of people. 

 

This is bad. 

  
  


* * *

 

  
  


When Bruce wakes up he’s in the middle of an abandoned building that's crumbling around him.

 

Groaning while sitting up, Bruce is kind of grateful the abandoned building was a clothing store. 

 

He finally makes his way back to the city and catches the news playing on one of the jumbotrons. He looks up and immediately pales. 

 

_ “Last night the Hulk went on a rampage throughout the city. After jumping out of Stark Tower where he injured Captain America, who is now in the hospital with a head injury, he wreaked havoc on the city below. Many were injured and nearly 40 people were killed. No one knows the whereabouts of Hulk or Dr. Bruce Banner but the rest if the Avengers are on the search.” _

 

He did it again. Hulk killed- he killed people. He killed innocent people because if a temper tantrum. It’s all his fault.

 

Bruce ran. He ran as far as he could and didn't look back.

 

Once he stopped he found himself on a bridge. He looked over the edge and say the rushing waters below that could swallow him whole if it weren't for the Hulk saving him just to keep him alive. 

 

He jumps anyway. The wind whips across his face, stinging him like a million needles poking him. 

 

He hits the water hard and it all goes black. He's so cold and so wet. His lungs burn from no oxygen and he is barely conscious. He waits for Hulk to save him but nothing happens. 

 

Nothing happens. 

 

He starts to panic. His actions finally caught up with him and he's dying. He's drowning in the river for being selfish for taking his own life instead of facing the consequences of what he did to those 40 innocent people. 

 

He probably crushed them when he landed. Threw them around as they screamed and screamed and begged for their lives. He probably closed his first and felt their hot, dripping blood stick to his hands as he grabbed his next victim. 

 

He deserved this. He also deserved rotting in a prison cell for the rest of his life.

 

He deserved other scientists picking and poking at his brain to see what made the Hulk tick.

 

He deserved to be strapped to a chair and electrocuted until his brain friend and until he screamed all the air out of his lungs. 

 

He deserved anything but him taking his own life out of pity. Out of guilt. Out of his own selfishness. 

 

And at the very last moment, he wakes up to a coughing fit and seeing the green seep from his skin. 

 

Of course, that green asshole comes and ‘saves the day’. 

 

Of course. 

  
  


* * *

 

  
  
  


The Avengers eventually find him and instead of going to jail they take him back to the tower and blame it on psychological trauma from some fake incident. 

 

Whatever. Now that he’s home he can punish himself. As soon as he apologized to Steve and everyone he locked himself in his lab and began experiments.

 

He swallows some of the Asgardian bacteria that was left on the table and had the worst flu in the world for a month. 

 

And once again, he didn't for because of the stupid fucking green monster living in his head. 

 

His next experiment was seeing how much he can damage himself before hulk stopped him.

 

He cut his wrists, ran into walls, blow-torched his arms, just general dangerous things you can do in a lab and injure yourself.

 

This went on for weeks. The other Avengers tried to come down but anytime they would come near him he would growl and pretend to almost hulk out. 

 

So they leave him alone and occasionally send some food down the elevator. He never ate it of course. They already helped fuck up his life enough. A plate of lasagna isn't going to fix it. 

 

Bruce got bored of trying to experiment on himself so instead of having a semi-reasonable explanation for himself that what he was doing earlier wasn’t intentionally hurting himself was lost and he just did anything to feel like shit for what he did. 

 

The Hulk stopped trying to come out anymore. He was too afraid to come out again from the screaming and yelling Bruce did if his skin even turned the slightest bit green. He doesn't come out unless Bruce is on the verge of death. Which is inconvenient. The whole point of this self-torture was death.

 

He can't stand living. Knowing he killed those 40 people who did nothing. He deserved the most painful death. But I guess he's gonna have to settle for drowning. Simple, easy, and they probably won't find his body for weeks.

 

After 3 head traumas, 2 broken limbs, and multiple burn marks later, he found himself standing on the edge of the same bridge he tried to take his life away months ago. 

  
  


* * *

 

  
  
  


The rain is pouring down hard and he's already soaked down to the bone. His hair is stuck to his forehead as he lets out a breath and goes to step over the edge. 

 

He expects to feel cold air rushing past but all he feels is him hitting the floor away from the edge of the bridge. 

 

He growls and stands up again to walk over to the bridge but he gets jolted back. 

 

**_“Hulk doesn't want to jump off bridge again! Bruce stays here!”_ **

 

Bruce doesn't listen and is determined to go he starts walking again but the pure force Hulk uses to hold him back is strong. 

 

Pushing with all his strength, Bruce tries to break free as Hulk hold back with all his might. 

 

Then there's a snap. A crack loud enough to echo through the quiet night and make the rain that's pouring down sound silent. 

 

Bruce can't breathe. There's a sharp pain in his chest and he can't breathe. He slumps down onto his knees and gasps for air that can't make it to his lungs. He presses his hand to his chest and feels that his ribs are cracked and poking his skin nearly breaking it. 

 

One must've punctured his lung.

 

He can't breathe. He's trying so hard to get air inside his lungs but it can't happen. They're punctured. 

 

He can't breathe.

 

Hulk is freaking out inside his head. This is the first time Hulk can't prevent his death and he's scared. He's so scared he doesn't know what to do. 

 

He can't breathe. 

 

He collapsed to his side and is choking. Choking on his spit, choking on air. His throat is closing up so tight and he looks down at his hands. They're turning so grey from blood loss. 

 

He can't breathe. 

 

The screaming in his head stopped. The blood flow in his brain is shutting down. He isn't choking anymore. He’s wheezing. His breath is so quiet, it gets drowned out by the sound of the rain. 

 

He can't breathe

 

He blinks slower as he feels the attempts to breathe get weaker and weaker. Everything hurts so much but he can't scream through the pain anymore. 

 

The cold floor feels great on his skin. If he just closes his eyes everything can stop. 

 

With his final gasp, his eyes close. He finally feels content. He deserved this. He deserved to suffer in his last moments. It's all over.

He isn't breathing.

  
  


* * *

 

  
  


_ “Dr. Bruce Banner was found dead this morning. He suffered 5 broken ribs, a punctured lung, and suffocation. Everyone is in mourning to see the sick Doctor pass. Everyone was rooting for his recovery after his psychotic break but sadly, it seemed it didn't work. The world will remember Bruce Banner for his heroics and what he did for this world. May he rest in peace." _

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Bls kudos and comment. Validation and critique help me want to write more (just be nice)


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